roybot (roybot) wrote in ricedoutyugo,
roybot
roybot
ricedoutyugo

cult of the lawn boat

a lawn boat is a boat that you keep on your lawn. the best thing about a lawn boat is that it's on your lawn, like, all the time.

a good lawn boat should be almost as big as your house, but not bigger. park dat lawn boat riiiight on the left of your neighbor's house, right? then, when those in the nose on by, they remark: my god! that house is huge! and... that is a HUUUGEass lawn-boat! it's almost as big as the tiny house next to his huge house!

all the houses on your block are the same size, though. ha ha! naw, eight out of ten share a common layout. some of this batch have various modular extras 'n' perks, which make them extra-covted by lawn boat fanatics. the remaining houses were either there before, or there after. those there before have devolved into truck gardens. those thereafter have transcended lawn boats for ferraris. as a matter of policy, all three of these groups hate each other, despite being more or less the same. one love: lawn boats

there are so many things you can do with a lawn boat: put a tarp on it. take the tarp off. drink beer and admire it. drink beer and survey other lawn boats -- you only admire your own lawn boat, obviously. fuck, you talk mad shit about 'em when the lawn boat's captain ain't in earshot.... but, yeah, you stand there and squint. very clearly show your depth of analysis of the lawn boat features and shit, because you can't do that unless you Know Things, and you Know Things. and Stuff. you spend all saturday fixing your lawn boat, sometimes.... haw, that one's a joke. a code we use for the wives. we just open up an access hatch and throw some parts on the ground and then drink beer instead. no idea how the fuck that shit works anyways

sometimes you hook it up to your truck after hooking your truck up to the wheeliegigger. the wheeliegigger has approximately 2^8 wheels, each on individually spring-loaded load-bearing spikes. the wheeliegigger is the yin to your lawn-boat yang. its shape is precisely that of your lawn boat, except opposite. well, upside down. but then if you go opposite, it's not upside down, you know what i mean? shit. nevermind...

anyways, all those wheels the wheeliegigger has have a purpose. they mean shit. they designed the whole thing on the internet and it's precise custom to the shape of the hull. shit, bro. pick a wheel... yeah, that one? no? thi- oh, yeah, that one. that wheel is from when they used computer laser algorithms to accurify the fuck out of shit for load bulling. like, it matches the hull so well, it's like it's in the water. 'cos water flows around, you know? that way, when it's making your house look big, it's all making your lawn like a water bed. floating down your lawn forever.

once or twice a year a good year, you can "take her out" and then "wind it out" like "all day and shit" and "shit dude i'm drunk what were u sayin." you hook the wheeliegigger up to your truck and take your lawn boat out to the lake. getting to the dock takes at least two hours, as you have a lot of driving around to do. this is your lawn boat's day to be visible to the world. drive like you do any normal day, though, so the extra complexification of sixteen tons of lawn boat whiplash make a crisp impression on terrified hair ladies. eventually, you get to the dock. this is always a crap shoot, man. harbor pass? boat license? designated not drinking beer person? shit, man, i own a lawn boat. i don't have a single one of that shit.

sometimes the right sports banter gets you in, though, and you can attempt to wet-dock your lawn boat. it's important to maintain the air of a man who has done this shit a thousand times i got this, it got this, shit, back-up. at that point, the lawn boat either dewheeliegiggers into the ocean or embeds a corner of itself in the beach. son of a

the average lawn boat has a ten-year, two-ex-wife lifespan and typically makes it out into the ocean twice. at that point, either the beach broke it when it fell on the beach, or it didn't, and it reaches the final stage of the lawn boat life-cycle: kamikaze divorce settlement tactic. trade it in for a lawyer who's gonna stick it to your ex-wife. that bitch. if she's gettin' my lawn boat it's gonna be up her lyin drive my silverado into her settlement claims my ass just like tony mantana bro. like, check it: in this country, first you get the silverado. when you get the silverado, then you get the power. when you get the power, then you get the lawn boat. when you get the lawn boat, you get the lake house. when you get the lake house, you get the trophy wife. then the trophy wife take the lake house. then. the lawyer take the lawn boat. then all you have in this world is your balls. and your silverado! haw! good, right? shit, no, seriously, that's a lawn boat, but the Chorizo 5700 doesn't have the torque of the hammerfin 900






Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
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