February 17th, 2014

  • roybot

True Story #2

"Oh, that's lovely," the old woman gushed. "What, precisely, are you a lieutenant in, sir?"

"My own mind," I replied. I made direct eye contact and controlled my voice to sound as if I were deeply, genuinely serious.

The ruse worked, for a moment. The old woman was crumpling. I held the stare as she became increasingly nervous that I might not be the best person to chat with. However, it was 7am, and she had no other options. I could see it; she was going to take her chances. May as well just cede the pot before I anted any deeper. I let the corner of my lip smile a bit, and winked.

"Ha ha!" she cackled, "You're pretty good! I really thought you were crazy there, for a second!"

"I am crazy," I deadpanned, precisely repeating the same procedure. Obviously, however, it had no mustard this time, and I had to maintain "crazy eye" for approximately 0.412 seconds before she accepted it as a humorous event and initiated her cackle subprocessors.

For the rest of the ride, I heard about cats. Some were fat cats and some were named mittens and squeakers, mittens is an adorable name but it's so common, so to balance it out, you have squeakers, which is what you'd name a mouse toy, ha ha !

Kill me.

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker