August 3rd, 2011

  • roybot

god shave the queen

god shave the queen and my knickers in an underbottom forsaken upon the nile of treacherous fleets the undertone not forgetting a sad dash of hyperbole that vaguely hints at forgotten tragedies in the industry of pig farming in a dusty midwestern city. however, this sentence is much shorter.

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
  • roybot

submersive jaundice interface

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PURCHASE OF A 39-AUF-Q SUBMERSIVE JAUNDICE INTERFACE! A NEW WORLD OF DUPLEX SERIAL COMMUNICATION AWAITS YOU. FIRST, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO MAKE SURE YOUR 39-AUF-Q HAS ARRIVED WITH THE FULL CONTENTS:
  • 39-AUF-Q SUBMERSIVE JAUNDICE DEVICE
  • INSTRUCTION MANUAL
IF ANY OF THESE ARE MISSING, PLEASE CONTACT THE RETAILER FOR A REFUND.

NEXT, ENSURE YOUR SYSTEM IS COMPATIBLE WITH THE 39-AUF-Q. SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS INCLUDE:
  • SMART ELECTRONICS VER3 OR GREATER
  • CPU CAPABLE OF JUGGLING MORE THAN SIX BALLS
  • FOUR ROTTING BANANAS IN THE KITCHEN
IT IS TIME TO SET UP THE 39-AUF-Q SUBMERSIVIE JAUNDICE DEVICE. PLEASE FOLLOW THE FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS:
  1. REMOVE THE 39-AUF-Q FROM ITS HERMETIC, RADIATION-SHIELDED ANTI-STATIC BAG. THERE MAY BE A BRIEF RUSH OF AIR AS YOU BREAK THE SEAL -- THIS IS NORMAL.
  2. REMOVE THE COVER FROM YOUR SYSTEM, ENSURING THAT THE POWER REMAINS ON AS YOU DO SO.
  3. STICK A PENCIL IN THE CPU COOLANT FAN AND COUNT THE NUMBER OF CLICKS IN TEN SECONDS. IF IT IS MORE THAN 500, YOUR SYSTEM IS SIMPLY TOO COOL FOR THE 39-AUF-Q. PURCHASE SOME JUSTIN BIEBER AND/OR KENNY G RECORDS AND THEN REPEAT THIS STEP.
  4. CONSTRUCT AN AIR CANNON CAPABLE OF PRESSURES IN EXCESS OF 120PSI WITH AN ELECTRONIC VALVE MECHANISM
  5. LOAD THE 39-AUF-Q INTO THE BARREL OF THE AIR CANNON AND CHARGE TO MAX PRESSURE.
  6. STANDING BACK AT LEAST 20 FEET TO AVOID SHRAPNEL, FIRE THE 39-AUF-Q DIRECTLY AT YOUR MOTHERBOARD
  7. INSTALL DRIVERS AND REBOOT
YOU ARE ALL DONE, CONGRATULATIONS! RICED OUT INDUSTRIES WISHES YOU MANY HAPPY YEARS OF TELECOMMUNICATIONS.

FOR TECH SUPPORT, CALL 1-900-BIG-TITS.

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker