November 20th, 2010

  • roybot

harrison ford put some lsd on my tounge

the other day, i was exiting the neighborhood russian market. i had a pair of baltika 4's and little expectation of finding anything other than my car in the parking lot (even this wasn't certain, in fact). however, not only was my car there, but so was harrison ford. he was leaning against the whitewashed concrete back of the market, smoking a cigarette. he was actually right next to my car. like, if he'd decided to sit on a car instead of lean against the wall, he'd have probably picked my car. and maybe even dented it. that's how close he was to my car. so i figured, you know, this is enough license to hassle him with some awkward/weird fan interaction.

i walked up and plonked my beers down on the roof of my car, then looked him in the chin scar eye and proclaimed, "HARRISON FORD." this was because i had to be sure it was harrison ford, as i'm not the best with names and faces. in retrospect, it was sort of a weird way to start a conversation.

thankfully, harrison ford was not phased. "man in the parking lot!" he replied. we shook hands. i leaned up against the wall next to him.

"so how're fings" i ask.

"oh, you know." he says.

i nod, and a moment passes.

"so what'd you buy?" he asks.

"two liters of baltika 4. want one?"

"is that a beer? nah." i suppose it was 11am.

"it's a spaceship," i mumble.

harrison ford boggled at me.

"...in my mind." i hastily amended. i realized that harrison ford was now listed amongst the victims of my strange sense of humor. as i processed this, harrison ford spoke again:

"i am many things, inside my mind."

now it was MY turn to boggle.

"i, er, didn't bjork say that in an animated gif?" i ask.

"probably."

i figured the ice had melted a bit by this point, so i busted out an actual question:

"so, yeah, what was up with that conan o'brien appearance?"

"Acid. Want some?"

I did. He produced a baggie of sugar cubes from his pocket, and instructed me to stick out my tounge. he made some mystical noises and motions before gingerly placing a pair of cubes on my tounge.

"best run along home now, lad" he says. "you're indiana jones and the boulder has just started rolling down at ya."

i nodded. "a pleasure, mr. ford. good day to you."

"good day, man in the parking lot."

i remember driving home, but after that it gets much harder to explain... so we'll stop here.

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
  • roybot

unfavorable review

I WENT TO THE MALDEN SMOKE SHOP ON PLEASANT STREET THAT I'VE BEEN GOING TO NOW FOR ABOUT A YEAR SINCE IT OPENED. THERE IS A WOMAN AT THE FRONT DESK WHO IS SHORT WITH SHORT BROWN HAIR. SHE TREATED ME HORRRRRIBLY. I CAME IN TO GET CIGARETTES FOR MY SON WHO HAS A BRAIN TUMOR. BUT EVERYTIME I GET THESE CIGARETTES ALMOST ALL OF THE TOBACCO FALLS OUT OF THEM. SO I ASKED THE WOMAN AT THE DESK WHY THIS WAS HAPPENING, SHE SAID THEY THEY WERE JUST LOOSE AND THAT THEY WOULD TIGHTEN ON THEIR OWN. THEN! SHE STARTED BLAMING *ME* SAYING THAT I PUT THE TOBACCO IN THE MACHINE THE WRONG WAY! BUT THERES ONLY ONE FREAKIN WAY TO DO IT!!!!! I TRIED TO STAY CALM. BUT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ME STATING MY COMPLAINT SHE TOLD ME TO *SHUT THE FUCK UP* *STOP MOVING YOUR LIPS OR I WILL PHYSICALLY REMOVE YOU FROM THE STORE* * SHUT UP OR I WONT GIVE YOU SERVICE* SHE CONTINUOUSLY INSULTED ME AND TOLD ME TO SHUT MY MOUTH, STOP FLAPPING MY LIPS. ETC. SHE WAS EXTREMELY RUDE AND HUMILIATING. SHE BROUGHT ME TO TEARS. I HAVE SEEN HER TREAT OTHERS THE SAME WAY SO I REALIZED QUICKLY THAT THEY STOPPED DOING BUSINESS WITH HER AND WOULD RATHER WAIT IN LINE FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO ASSIST. I KNOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD WHO GO THERE THAT CAN VERIFY THIS. I WILL KEEP POSTING THESE BLOGS EVERY DAY TO LET EVERYONE I KNO AND EVERYONE I DONT KNOW. EVERYONE WILL SEE THIS. MY CHILDREN WILL BE POSTING IT ON FACEBOOK AS WELL. I HAVE TALKED TO PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY WONT DEAL WITH HER BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID OF BEING EMBARASSED AND HUMILIATED. THIS WOMAN IS NOT A PEOPLE PERSON AND SHE SHOULD NOT BE RUNNING AND OPEN BUSINESS SUCH AS A SMOKE SHOP WITH THE ATTITUDE SHE HAS. SHE DOES NOT DESERVE THE BUSINESS THAT GOES THROUGH THERE. AND WHEN I'M THROUGH SHE WONT HAVE A BUSINESS. ANYONE WHO CANT FIND THE RESPECT TO LET SOMEONE SPEAK THIER MIND AND THEN DEMAND THEM TO SHUT THIER MOUTH, SHOULD LEARN RESPECT AND SHUT UP THEMSELVES. I WILL NEVER SET EVEN A TOE IN THIS SHOP AGAIN. I'D RATHER PAY FULL FOR MY CARTONS THEN BE TREATED THAT WAY. I WILL ABSOLUTELY MAKE SURE THAT THE WORD IS SPREAD ABOUT THIS. MY SON IS IN A BAD STATE AND IS NOW EVEN MORE UPSET TO HEAR I WAS TREATED SO WRONGFULLY AND THAT I COULDNT GET HIS CIGARETTES TODAY AND THAT I WONT BE GOING BACK. SO I SUGGEST TO EVERYONE IF YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE AND BE TREATED KINDLY AND COURTEOUSLY AND WITH RESPECT, FIND A NEW SMOKE SHOP. I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!!!!

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker