September 21st, 2007

  • roybot

i am RTQP, and i will say whatever i have to to get elected

hello, patriots of the united states of america. i am the reverend tedward q. porktanker, and i am willing to work for you, if that's what you want to hear. just let me know what you want to hear, and i'll be for it - i'm speaking to supporters of gun control on tuesday, where i will passionately relate how handguns killed my baby, and to the NRA on thursday, where i will passionately relate how handguns saved my baby. want me to be religious? no problem. jewish-muslim of lunar descent? i already am. you see, i don't really care about much other than lining the pockets of myself and my rich friends, i have no real principals or values... but honesty never got anyone elected. vote for me, rtqp, i wi-

hold on, will ya? my wife's on the cell.

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
  • roybot

ma'am, those blinking lights obviously constitute a bomb, and we're going to have to threaten you with uzis now

to america: deep breath. calmness. terrorists are not everywhere. blinking lights in the shape of a star, pinned to the chest of one star simpson, does not constitute a proper bomb.
A REAL STAR

if playdoh were plastic explosive, we would not let children play with it, and it probably would smell a lot different. you are supposed to outraged about the age of 'guilty until proven innocent' the purple-skulled airheads in charge have ushered in. how a non-violent person, LEAVING AN AIRPORT, not causing a fuss, is suddenly surrounded by armed men - and then told she's lucky to be alive.

furthermore, the stated definition of "terrorist" is one who attempts to cause fear in order to change politics. given that this nebulous "al qaeda" has not so much as managed to fire a spitwad at anyone in this hemisphere within the last few years, i honestly have absolutely no fear of a terrorist attack. whatsoever. i worry more about getting mugged. yet, the US government insists we be paranoid, ON ALERT, FEAR COLLEGE STUDENTS WITH BLINKY LIGHTS - and elect the ALPHA MALE who will SAVE US FROM THE EVIL BROWN PEOPLE and KEEP US SAFE. who are the real terrorists, here?

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker