April 16th, 2007

  • roybot

the beginning

he roped me in by blackmailing me with audio tapes of my confessions and then got me addicted to china white.

i became the pope's elite doped out assassin.

and i fought crime - against god.

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
  • roybot

the post-beginning

I was the Pope's Elite Doped Out Assassin, and I was waiting for the walk light at a crosswalk. A crosseyed young lad who couldn't have been but 3.27 posed a question to me:

"Did you lose your earlobe in the war, mister?"

"No, son," I replied with a chuckle, "I lost it in the third round against Tyson."

While he'd been asking his question, however, I had used my spy-umbrella to inject a pellet of pure holy spirit into the diplomat waiting there as well.

Always use enviornmental situations where you can. All was going according to plan.

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
  • roybot

please note this is fiction?

I'm not sure what possessed me to get out of bed that night. What caused me to jump into my Civic and drive to my old elementary school. Perhaps it was the article I read on the rotten.com library regarding school vandalism. Perhaps I was feeling particularly spiteful after losing my job for failing a piss test. Who knows, but when I pulled into the parking lot with my lights off, I knew was going to cause someone a whole great deal of misery and pain.
I took a quick walk around the perimeter of the school. Schools are weird places when no one is around. Everything is frozen in time, nothing moves, no sound is made. Luckily this school sat at the end of a quiet street away from the prying of eyes of whatever insomniac may be up at two am.
I went to this school for six years, now almost fifteen years later I still knew the basic layout. There was a sidedoor slightly obscured, I tried kicking it in. I kicked at that door at least five times. In frustration I pulled at the handle and it opened with no difficulty. In my hasty attempt at breaking and entering I didn't bother to check to see if the door was unlocked.
I stepped into the dark hallway and saw the door that led down to the boilers and janitorial area. I clicked on my keychain flashlight and looked around for things. A cheap cassette player and FM radio, mousetraps, a microfridge with a six pack of Bud Light and several bottles of high strength drain cleaner. Active ingredient? Sulfuric acid.
I looked out beyond the boilers through the dirty windows at the playground. Tomorrow kids will be playing on it before school, during recess and at lunch. I grabbed a pair of industrial gloves and five bottles of the drain cleaner and walked out the door I came in, across the cement playground to the junglegym equipment.
I opened up one of the cans a little too close to my face, the fumes wafted up over my face. The sting and burn made me drop the bottle at the bottom of a slide where the liquid collected and began to strip the color from the molded plastic. Spasmatic coughing and tears streaming from my eyes, panic almost took over as I thought I had fucked myself over something good, but it all passed in a few minutes.
I shielded my face and opened the second bottle, climbing up the steps, I pour the viscous liquid on the handrails, on the plastic 'tic-tac-toe' game, across the plastic flimsy bridge, and on the top of the slide. Watching the clear liquid seep its way down the slides was the best part. Kids are fucking stupid and will probably slide down the slide with anything on it. Here's to hoping they like going down face first.
I splashed the rest of the liquid across the monkey bars, on the seats of the swings and on the seats of the benches. I collected all the bottles I brought with me and returned them back where I found them, hung up the gloves on their hook and closed the door behind me.
I drove back to my house slowly, wearing my seatbelt. When I got back home Rumble in the Bronx was on TBS. I woke up to see this on my homepage: Boy Hospitalized for Burns After Using Playground Equipment Doused With Drain Cleaner
At least someone got hurt. I guess. I'm a fucking failure.

Posted by Supporter of Ham #2361