June 19th, 2006

  • roybot

little Martin William Seagull

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Posted by fuckle
  • roybot

A Monument Is Made

A Monunment is made

Political fan-fiction by the Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker

    Lili'uokalani Kalakaua set down the paper, frowning. She briefly debated reopening it to the funnies' page, but instead pushed it further away out of spite. There was always something upsetting in the paper.
    President Bush, a man with a large ego, and an even larger insecurity complex, had just attempted to compensate by declaring the largest "Monument" in national history - a large swath of water surrounding the island-comprised state she lived in, Hawaii. Puzzlingly, even though it looked like this would rightly eject scientists from digging up the sea floor, it might also block travel. Lili'uokalani wasn't a wanderer, but certainly traveled between them often, due to the nature of Hawaii. Moreover, she regularly visited her ailing great aunt, and instantly set to worrying that the declaration would impede her ability to take the ferry. Glancing at the paper again to distract herself, she noticed another article declaring that the Supreme Court had just decided wetlands (including the ones in Hawaii) did not qualify as water. "You just know it's an election season," she thought to herself.

* * *

    Alvin Crickton set down the paper, frowning. He briefly debated reopening it to the funnies' page, but instead pushed it further away out of spite. There was always something scary in the paper.
    President Bush, a man with a small brain and an even smaller vocabulary, had just alluded to his own vapidity by declaring the largest "Monument" in national history - an empty swath of water surrounding an island-comprised state he'd visited when in college, Hawaii. Puzzlingly, even though it looked like this would rightly eject fishermen from raking the environment away, it might also cut off scientific research. Alvin was not an oceanographic researcher, but he certainly saw its importance, as with any area of Science. Moreover, he had two colleagues that were marine biologists, and instantly knew he'd get an earful next Monday. Pulling out the latest issue of Science to distract himself, he noticed an article regarding how coral bleaching (including in the coral reefs surrounding Hawaii) had been rapidly increasing in response to global warming. "You just know they don't want people to see the damage they've done," he thought to himself.

* * *

    Dallas Johnson set down the paper, frowning. He briefly debated reopening it to the funnies' page, but instead pushed it further away out of spite. There was always something to worry about in the paper.
    President Bush, a patriot with a large attitude and an even larger heart, had just done the country a national service by declaring the largest "Monument" in national history - a large swath of water surrounding some island-comprised state he'd never been to, Hawaii. Puzzlingly, even though it looked like this would rightly eject scientists and fisherman from piddling around there, it might also cut off tourism. Dallas didn't plan to visit, but he thought it was pointless - what harm would a few boats do? Moreover, he had two buddies that were planning to visit Hawaii, and he knew he'd hear some cussing about it next time he was down at Frankie's. Flipping on the television to distract himself, he saw a story declaring North Korea was very likely to test a missile, soon (despite having sworn not to). Dallas was suddenly struck by an unsettling notion: "It must be bad - we must be testing missiles in that large patch of water," he thought to himself.

* * *

    Jan Mills set down the paper, frowning. He briefly debated reopening it to the funnies' page, but instead pushed it further away out of spite. There was always something to worry about in the paper.
    President Bush, an asshole with bad karma and an even worse awareness of reality, had attempted to make himself look good by declaring the largest "Monument" in national history - a large swath of water surrounding an island-comprised state he spent summers in, Hawaii. Puzzlingly, it looked as if this would eject tourism, scientific research, and fishing. Jan had no interest in cruising around like an idiot on a tour boat, but he paid his stay by fishing. Moreover, he had two buddies that paid their summer stays there by driving ferries and tour boats, and he worried none of them might be going next summer. Meditating to calm himself down, an irksome thought occurred to him - An Asian fishing lobby had probably paid the administration off, in order to let them corner the deep-sea fishing market. "You just know they only care about money," he thought to himself.

* * *

    Yakiza Moyamoto set down the paper, frowning. He briefly debated reopening it to the funnies' page, but instead pushed it further away out of spite. There was always bad news to break to the boss in the paper.
    President Bush, a politician of little zanshin and even less honor, had somehow managed to thwart his family by declaring the largest "Monument" in national history - a large swath of water surrounding an island-comprised state between his county and the path of the US jet stream, Hawaii. Disconcertingly, it looked as if the area would be only open to the government. Yakiza had no interest in the splendor of some distant place with Mt. Fiji a tram ride away, but this meant the US was probably onto them. Moreover, they had just invested two billion yen into the project, and he was worried someone (maybe himself) would wind up part of a highway when the boss heard. Springing into action to avoid worrying, he picked up the telephone and phoned the operations center. He had to tell them to destroy the hurricane generators immediately, before more attention fell on the project. "We'll just have to find another way to manipulate the stock markets," he thought to himself.

* * *

    President Bush set down the paper, frowning. He briefly debated reopening it to the news section, but instead pushed it further away out of spite. Garfield just wasn't doing it for him any more.    Garfield, a fat cat with a big appetite and an even bigger attitude, seemed to have run out of material-
    Suddenly, the door burst open, and Joshua Bolton surged in.
    "Mr. President," he declared, "you're late to the press conference regarding your new 'Monument!'"
    "...Monument?" President Bush asked.
    "The water preserves you declared around Hawaii..." Bolton gently suggested.
    "...Hawaii?" President Bush asked, even more confused.
    "An island-comprised nation, with valuable natural assets, that you ordered us to protect last week." Bolton said, cutting to the chase. "You also demanded we fly in a gross of Elvis impersonators, but we were sadly unable to locate that many..."
    "I don't remember doing that!" President Bush proclaimed, puzzled.
    "Respectfully, sir," Bolton nervously began, "I think you should cut back on your cocaine usage."
    "I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT USE COCAINE!! FOR THE LAST TIME, THOSE ARE ALL DAMN RUMORS!!" President Bush yelled, suddenly furious.
    "There's, uh, some stuck under your nose, sir..." Bolton pointed out.
    President Bush blinked, stared for about ten seconds, and then regained his composure.
    "You have a speech ready?" he asked Bolton.
    "As always, sir." Bolton responded. "Hurry, we'll get you down to makeup to take care of that mid-day moustache..."

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
  • roybot

Contents of the Riced Out Yugo liquor cabinet

The Riced Out Yugo liquor cabinet has the following members:
  • Secretary of the Interior Smirnoff Watka
  • Secretary of Energy Absolut Wat
  • Secretary of Transportation 170 proof wat neutral watrits
  • Secretary of Labor Jager Watster
  • Secretary of Education Coors Wat
  • Secretary of Veterans Affairs Thunderwat Wine
  • Secretary of Homeland Security Jose Watvo
  • Secretary of Health and Human Services bawati 151
  • Secretary of Housing and Urban Development _mWatka (it's a MEMBER OHOHOHO)
  • Secretary of the Treasury Johnny Watker
  • Secretary of Defense Bud "baggy jowels" Watser
  • Attorney General Everwat
  • Secretary of State Condoleaser Ricin


Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker