|Contains natural ingredients||plus seven vitamins to |support healthy slave labor
|resume, layoff, repeat|
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
|Jimmy Jimmy mocha pop. That's what they called him. He was the dude that made iced coffee at the East View mall Starbucks... and you didn't want to cross him.|
i cruised down the 409 with "Safe From Harm" on the ol' toyota's corolla hatchback's upgraded stereo. basicly, since the car was such a shitbucket, i'd converted the rear portion into, uh... i don't know what to call it. let's just call it one big speaker. i'd also rigged a little motor to a switch on the dash, allowing me to open the hatch remotely. it was a nice day, so as i pulled up to starbucks, i flicked the switch and opened the hatch.
that's when it happened - jimmy jimmy mocha pop tore out of the starbucks, mad as a wet hen. it turns out he was allergic to guitar solos.
"i'll osborne your face!!" he yelled, brandishing an ancient luggable computer.
i knew i, and the poor corolla, would not have a good time of it if i did not do something dramatic, and quickly. so, i pushed the big red emergency button. the result was sufficiently dramatic.
the volume shot to max (it had been on 2 out of 10) and the drum freakout at the end of aphex twin's "54 cymru beats" tore into everyone's bodies. after about two seconds, all the windows in the starbucks gave out, but i didn't care, as by that time i had floored it.
"HAHA, SO LONG!!!" i yelled out the window.
however, in my glee, i did not realize my toyota corolla was currently barreling towards a japanese war memorial at the center of a rotary.
the only thing that saved the toyota from going kamakaze on it was the fact that the sound blew it out of its moorings.
after that i turned the volume down to 7.