July 11th, 2005

  • roybot

NLS

Dear sir and/or madam:

You have been declared a national LOL source. Starting on the next business day, everyone in the nation will be instructed to laugh at you, for purposes of national security.

Q: But I'm not funny enough. How can I be declared a national LOL source? Isn't this sort of duty normally reserved for funny-looking people?
A: Well, with the war on terror, this nation's resources are stretched to the limit, and every citizen must do his or her part. You have been elected to provide LOL.

Q: How long will I be required to serve as a national LOL source?
A: You are required to serve as a national LOL source until released by the President of the United States. Usually, this is after a few days, but he's been a little busy, recently.

Q: What if I am unable to serve as a national LOL source?
A: Tough noogies.

LOL.



Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
  • roybot

National parental alert!!11

A US media monitoring group has issued a "nationwide parental alert!!11" after hidden pornographic material was found in the popular cooking utensils marketed under the name, "Cooking utensils by Murray."

The organisation, National Institute on the Media and the Family, issued a warning instructing consumers to "Panic!1" after it was revealed that an upgrade to the cookware allows chefs to see pornagraphic images already contained within the utensils.

The modification is called 'mmm snax' and was created by Patrick Wildenborg, 36, at the international cookery institute in the Netherlands. He claims that the modification adds nothing illegal to the cooking implements and merely allows consumers to see what is already present in the hardware.

"If Cooking Utensils By Murray denies that, then they're lying and I will be able to prove that," said Patrick Wildenborg, mod author, in an email to Associated Press.

"My mod does not introduce anything new to the utensil. All the fun stuff that my mod makes available was already present in the product."

Cooking Utensils by Murray has produced some of the most controversial cookware of all time. In order to take part, chefs must stir soup, cook lentils, and praise satan. There have been calls for the products to be banned in some US states.

"It should be clear to everyone by now that cooking utensils do influence young people," said Dr. David Walsh, author of the best selling book on teenage brain development, Why Do They Act That Way, and How the Hell Can I Stop It?

"Cooking Utensils by Murray never belonged in the hands of kids. We are taking the unusual step of alerting parents to the pornography available through this crockware to any child or teen who is internet savvy."

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
  • roybot

Grammar drill

Today, children, we are studying the "ham" phenome. Repeat after me:

  • hamateur
  • hambidexterous
  • hambulance
  • hamplifier
  • hambiance
  • hamtrak
  • hamulet
  • hampair
  • hample
  • hambiguous


Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
  • roybot

Post #451

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Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
  • roybot

linguistic request

After years of careful phrase-budilding, I have come up with some smashing new meme-like quips!

Please incorporate the following into your everyday internet vocabulary:

  • tee hee ^ 3
    tee hee to the third power, or: "tee hee exp. three!" Used when, 1. Something is deemed amusing, or 2. One is attempting to be obnoxious.
  • smooth groove, ashley simpson!
    Say this to someone when they do something colossally stupid, such as a hoedown when the wrong pop song plays.
  • bushing a police officer
    See the "crashing into police officers with bicycles" section.
  • well shit, jackson! that won't get us to texas!
    Said when someone has responded to a request or problem with an answer that doesn't really help.
  • tom cruise loopy attack +3!!!1
    Said when someone wishes to retailiate in a playful manner, or just wants to be spasTIC.
  • jesus christ telecommuter
    A derogatory name for Christians that sit at home and watch Fox news. Often used as an insult.
Thank you for your participation! Now, if you'll excuse me, there is some microwave pizza in the freezer that... well, its days are numbered.

Appendix A: crashing into police officers with bicycles
This information is classified.

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker