November 5th, 2004

Zimberdoodle

My '87 Toyota Corolla lazily careened towards the side of the street, only mildly damaging the fire hydrant.

Ah, the beauty of shitbox cars.

I tended to buy 00 shitbox cars... because then I don't have to give a shit if it gets dented or towed. And no one fucking gives me shit at traffic lights. No one.

Swinging out of the passenger side, I slid onto the sidewalk, narrowly dodging a low-flying walnut tree. Those things come out of nowhere, man.

I headed towards the dingy, dark storefront, the only distinguishing feature of which was a faded turquoise logo that read "kitty". I marched in.

Once inside, I wasted no time in my proclaimation: "Foo, baz, quux, bar, tell me where the fingulators are!"

There was a sole creature behind the counter. kitty. The display case was totally empty, sans a few colorful pieces of yarn.

"lollolol!" proclaimed kitty.

"Zzounds, man, remit immeditely!" I demanded.

"K dollars plz" kitty responded.

I made with the dispensing of the dollars.

Meeeeepsellent.

It was all according to plan. The Toyota hadn't gone anywhere in my absence, so I slid in through the passenger side door, which I had conveniently left open.

I swung a wide arc out on to the road, causing a pair of Lexuses to collide, one ramming the other into the glass window of a storefront (some store called "hamster").

I blasted across town, distributing karma retribution when necessary (sometimes it is so necessary). I pulled up another store labelled "kitty video production/grocery store". But I knew better than to be fooled by its benign exterior. It was really a factory of horrors.

I walked in and approached the secretary. Some of their work was cycling on a monitor. Something about consuming A.D.D. remedies.

"I'm Seargent Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker of the Hoboken Police Department. I need to visit your library and take a few select items."

They couldn't argue with those kind of credentials. Man, I'm good at making shit up.

I walked into the library. It was overwhelming. Entire scenes, odd noises, shapes, dancing wiggles, goatse, the pope, popese, kitties, magnets, john chiu, kitties, hitler, kitties, and lots of kitties.

I walked out calmly with my materials.

Soon, the plan would come to fruition!

Then, I noticed my Toyota was not where I parked it. Fucking A.

I got my car dealer, Roynaldo Dingo, on the phone. He had another beater purrint  sputting at my feet in under 20 minutes. I tipped him 20 bucks extra and was on my way.

I popped some quality transylvanian disco onto the stereo, swinging down the street. Man, this new ride was pretty nice. An ancient Saab. It wasn't quite greased lightning, but more like slightly greased lightning.

Back in my lab, I used the fingulator's "permanent press" setting to synthesize the library's clips into an entirely new video...

Yes, yes... soon.

Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker

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Posted by kitty