| the law of dan |
[01 Jun 2012|09:35pm] |
burned chicken teriyaki == rantcomplete equivalency
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
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| meditations, yo |
[01 Jun 2012|07:47pm] |
"DON'T START NO SHIT
 WON'T BE NO SHIT"
-- marcus aurelius, c. 420 A.D.
Posted by fuckle
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| steve, wat a wasp |
[28 May 2012|01:19pm] |
there is a door in the kitchen. two doors, really. screen door and wood door. it's a back door(s), so we leave it closed, alone, etc. unless we want access to the porch (its primary function).
today, i noticed a gigantic wasp trapped between screen door and wood door. i observe wasp for a good half hour; name him steve. steve cleans himself most elegantly. lots of wings and legs, and maybe a thorax too. steve likes climbing back and forth on the chain. or maybe he is just looking for escape?
but despite his onstage gravitas, steve is pretty dumb. thonk thonk thonk. the concept of glass is beyond him, and he doesn't seem to have the marbles to alter his approach, even after four or five rounds of: ATTACK WINDOW! Climb on chain. clean legs. explore ATTACK WINDOW!
it's about time to put the laundry on anyways, so i go round back and very carefully open the screen door to let steve out. but steve does not immediately bolt! we contemplate each other for a good minute, before steve flies upward.
it was kind of him not to sting me. steve, what a wasp.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
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| Sign Up For The I/nternet |
[24 May 2012|08:15pm] |
ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT THE IMAGERY REPRESENTS A WARP IN THE PLASMA TRANSFER CONDUITS THAT CREATED THE MAGNETON PULSE THAT DISRUPTED THE SUBROUTINES IN THE CENTRAL CONSCIOUSNESS PROCESSOR AND BECAUSE OF THAT WE HAVE TO REROUTE POWER TO THE AFT SECONDARY CONTROL MATRIX, OR WE WILL MELT
Posted by HYPERFUKBOT
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| TONIGHT ON NIGHTLINE |
[23 May 2012|11:41pm] |
TUNE IN AS TED KOPPEL MASTURBATES A HOWLER MONKEY
Posted by fuckle
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| SLam Vehicle |
[19 May 2012|10:51pm] |
Posted by Mr. The Plague (mastar of teh gibson)
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| Continental Mark Fortune |
[08 May 2012|11:01pm] |
i had a bit a of a predicament on my hands. i usually drove a series of forgettable beaters, purchased from my dealer, Roynaldo Dingo, for $500 a pop. i particularly enjoyed old volvo station wagons and toyota corollas, and Roynaldo always hung onto them for me, because he knew i was good for about three or four a month, depending on how feisty the cops were feeling.
tonight, though, there was some friction. i needed to drop into kitty's nightclub, and something slightly more upscale was necessitated. Roynaldo had a line on a slightly abused Lincoln Continental Mark IV, but he let it go to someone else because they offered $1250 and he had some really sharp, 80s-era Corolla hatchbacks on his lot. i was not amused.
i screamed into my 80s brick phone as Roynaldo tried to pull his middle-eastern, "brother, we are all equal" shit. but i wasn't having none of it. i threatened to find whoever he sold that Continental Mark IV to and beat their head in with a catalytic converter.
the situation was defused when a drugged-out, disoriented mobster drove onto Roynaldo's lot with another Continental, right as we were arguing. he offered the deed to the car for two grams of pure methamphetamine (i heard this wafting over the speakerphone, as Roynaldo had never quite mastered the "hold" function) and i soon had the desired Continental Mark IV for a surprisingly low $750. lady luck smiles on me tonight.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
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| mixing |
[27 Apr 2012|02:44am] |
o yea fire agjksdljsldk can u feel it TOO SSstrong ccheck thsi out OOOUYeah can u feel it ~warm water~ whooo baby sterling microarchitecture calorismic transponders OOOOyeah can u feel it PUMP UP THE BASS tot tottotototottotoototot hihats.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
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| lol winfone |
[14 Apr 2012|03:45pm] |
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
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| dichtotomy!! |
[10 Apr 2012|06:46pm] |
the options are:- Order Chinese food, RTQP plays Deus Ex.
- Order Pizza, LBFE plays Assassin's Creed.
- Takeout BBQ, we both have to change out of our pajama pants
how did the waveforms collapse? we went with pizza/LBFE/assassin's creed.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
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| Birdfeeder |
[08 Apr 2012|12:25pm] |
It started as a joke: the kitty wanted a minimalist birdfeeder. So we all got in the car, and went to the birdfeeder store. He pawed at the ones that kept squirrels away by sliding shut when something of sufficient size was hanging from the perches, and the big wire-mesh tubes (which would really 'only attract finches'). There were the ones which were plastic tubes with metal perches and detachable bottom ends for cleaning. (I thought the first kind to be a particularly elegant hack.) He meowed, and we eventually settled on the cheesily-named  . Then we had to get birdseed. He passed up all the ones that left shells, and the ones that were made up of a single kind of seed, which left this  . The kitty turned out to be very concerned about being sure to attract a wide variety of birds.
Posted by Mr. The Plague (mastar of teh gibson)
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[08 Apr 2012|12:05pm] |
waffle waffle waffle waffle waffle waffle waffle
Posted by shitbowl
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| so you've decided to be a conservative |
[02 Apr 2012|11:45am] |
so, you've decided to be a conservative! no, not in the richard hooker/david hume sense, but in the hardcore, chest-beating american sense. here are some basic guidelines for conduct:
- politics is essentially like football: you cheer on your home team and get into drunken brawls with anyone that doesn't support your team.
- it's you vs. the world. the future of the country depends on your staunch unwillingness to let anyone else finish a sentence before busting out the ad hominems ("personal attacks," for those of you that don't speak "libtard").
- you have little to no idea how government actually works, so thank god for Fox News, which is the only source of "real" news out there. Every other station/site is lying, except when they say the same thing as Fox News. If not for Fox News, you might actually have to research something yourself! how dreadful
- it's considered good practice ecstatically revel in schadenfreude when Barack Obama makes the front page of Fox News for fumbling a sentence in a speech. conveniently forget that George W. Bush almost choked on a pretzel, along with 95% of his own sentences.
- make fun of people for going to college, while barely being able to string a coherent sentence together yourself. accuse anyone that can actually write of being a member of Occupy Wall Street.
- awkwardly joke about how it was better when women/niggers/fags didn't vote, since a lot of them vote for Barack Obama. then say "just kidding!" to patch things up
- if someone does not believe in jesus, they are impinging on your religious freedom.
- the only way to deal with iran is with missiles. that's what the sons of bitches get for not recognizing the greatness of america
- most important: if you're feeling frustrated, angry, and screwed over, the best solution is to reject personal responsibility and pin all the blame on some politician you've never met. failing that, try some lite beer.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
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| twoth the zeppelin |
[29 Mar 2012|03:16am] |
'ere laddie! come hear the tale of the zeppelin of steve. the most majestic zeppelin in all the kingdo- hey? where you going? sit down. ok. now where was i. it was the most majestic pinto in all the zeppelin of kingdom. it floated amighty 'twixt the yonder arboretums of his father great steve the sire. young steve wanted to pilot that zepplin, you see. but great steve the sire said he was too young, so he snuck up to the zepplenry one evening. ah, i have your ear now, don't i? yes sir. he's seen them do it a thousand times, and so he just did it himself. he floated off quietly, undetected. the wind whipped his hair around; the lad had never felt so alive. then he pulled out the lighter and bag of dogshit he brought along. he dropped that bag down on the doorstep of steve the sire from on high, splattering flaming dog shit all over the royal lawn. then steve sailed off to vegas, because the internet said there were hookers ther- hey! jeez, sorry lady! i was just telling your kid a story. sorry! ok! sorry! don't call the cops please
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker
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